Alan Hardy: One of the Top 50 Indie Writers You Need To Be Reading

His novels are shocking, original and respectful of nothing and nobody. You have been warned.

Alan Hardy is UK-based, and a director of an English language school for foreign students. He is married, with one daughter. He has now written ten novels. They have been described as surreal novels with plenty of comedy, satire, humor, romance, sex, and adventure. They’re shocking, original and respectful of nothing and nobody. You have been warned. Alan is also a poet (poetry pamphlets: Wasted Leaves, 1996; I Went With Her, 2007).

The eight published so far are THE CASE OF THE TATTOOED BUTTOCKS, THE CASE OF THE PINIONED BOSOMS, THE CASE OF THE DISAPPEARING CORPSES, THE CASE OF THE TORN YELLOW SOCKS, VAMPIRE HUNT, BRITT, GOOD QUEEN BETH, GABRIELLA, and THROUGH THE GATES.

This is what Alan himself says about them:

THE CASE OF THE TATTOOED BUTTOCKS, the first book in THE INSPECTOR CULLOT MYSTERY SERIES, is a cheeky, exciting murder mystery, with plenty of thrills, surprises, witty repartee, suspense and sexy ladies, let alone a couple of gory murders.

The story takes place in a country mansion, with an assembled array of suspects (a mixture of the rich, decadent, sophisticated and louche) who are all perhaps not quite what they seem and hiding God knows what secrets… Even the renowned Inspector Cullot, with his occasional fits of dark despair, and now working in a department store’s lingerie section, is tormented by ghosts from his past…

And does the bumbling, simple-minded PC Blunt, recording another Inspector Cullot case for posterity in an array of note-books, also have skeletons in his cupboard..? And do the unsolved Night-Club Hostess Murders committed two years earlier have a bearing on the case? And what about the strange tattoos on the buttocks of the gorgeous ladies assembled at the mansion? What does it all mean? You’ll die laughing trying to find out.

THE CASE OF THE PINIONED BOSOMS is the second book in THE INSPECTOR CULLOT MYSTERY SERIES, and follows the hilarious and spell-binding antics of Cullot and his Team (Sergeant Watkins, PC Blunt and Cullot’s gorgeous daughter, Stephanie) as they set out to nail the killer following two gruesome murders in a hotel in the Swiss Alps.

THE CASE OF THE DISAPPEARING CORPSES is Book 3 in the series. Who killed PC Blunt’s gorgeous ex-wife, and is Inspector Cullot himself implicated in the baffling disappearance of dead bodies all over London? Another riotous, cheeky, gripping mystery…

In VAMPIRE HUNT, Dr. Joseph Aymon returns to Transylvania where he used to accompany the famous vampire-killer, Professor Van Helting, on his vampire hunts. Joseph is out to prove the existence of vampires; he can’t wait to come face-to-face with the Undead. He also aims to find Bella, his one and only love, who disappeared years ago. Will he find redemption, his lost love, or plain, unadulterated horror?

THROUGH THE GATES is a time-travel novel, with the hero (or anti-hero) Mark traveling back to the days of World War Two. He lives in an old house with a big, mysterious garden where he keeps unearthing and discovering objects which draw him back into the past.

He’s also obsessed with a beautiful young woman he saw when very young, and his attraction towards the past, and journeys into it are also an attempt to find her and discover who she was. Eventually, he comes to feel that the future of the universe more or less depends upon him and his actions. It’s a time-travel novel that’s totally original and different from all others. Plus there’s a fair bit of love interest, and sexual shenanigans as well…so action, romance, mystery, time-travel…it’s a great mix. Not to mention the gold bullion buried somewhere in Mark’s garden…

BRITT is set in France during World War One and is a comic, exciting tale of derring-do, spies, aerial dogfights…and sexual shenanigans…with officers, and ladies, of a dissolute disposition and sexually experienced swagger.

Ahem! Need I say more? In contrast to this world of sexual abandon and experience, we have Wriggles of the Royal Flying Corps and Britt, his childhood sweetheart. Both are innocents in a world they don’t understand, and can’t relate to. Britt, in particular, is close to being mentally unhinged…and yet, with a devilishly cunning German spy ring about to escape with top-secret information that might well bring about England’s defeat, they are England’s only hope.

Oh, and there’s also a great love story that unfolds heartbreakingly between the two of them… Will they be able to save England, and find true love…? Or does death and madness await them in a world dominated by Germany and its depraved supporters?

GOOD QUEEN BETH is a no-holds-barred savage attack on the monarchy, ‘celebrity-bimbo-culture’, and reality TV shows; it is totally non-PC in its attitude to the state of the nation, the monarchy, sex, women, anything and everything… Be prepared to be stimulated, shocked and appalled. It’s quite raw in its depiction of sexual deviancy and perversion, but allies this with an exciting portrayal of a modern revolution, and, let me tell you, a great love-story between its main protagonists, Beth and Jason.

I think GABRIELLA is a story that’s been buzzing around in my head for years, and it demanded to be written down. Adolescent love (and teenage fascination with sex) is a pretty significant time and experience for us all. The idea of a love story set around a school cricket match has its roots in an earlier pimply-faced version of me when at school and the scary, obsessive ideas that went through my adolescent head. When I sat down to write the story, it automatically turned into a bawdy, comical narration of a young man’s faltering (though very sweaty) first experience of love and sex.

But as well as being, I hope, a good, exciting read, I think GABRIELLA can also be seen as a critique of England’s wretched class-ridden, monarchy-loving society. Check it out.

Alan Hardy

The Case of the Tattooed Buttocks

Following the murder of a sexy, blonde bombshell (and, soon after, the bloody, gruesome, shocking murder of yet another sexy broad), ex-Inspector Cullot is called in to team up with his old side-kick, Detective Sergeant Watkins, to investigate the baffling crime.

Together they set about solving the mysterious deaths at Bounderdales, the opulent mansion of the oil magnate, Henry Barble. A small group of the rich, decadent, sophisticated and ultra-sexy are staying at the mansion. What secrets are each of them harbouring? Who are the guilty parties? And what is the dark secret from his own past which causes Cullot’s frequent moments of dark despair? Why did he leave the Police Force?

Did he jump, or was he pushed? Why does he now work in a department store, in Ladies Underwear? The police constable first on the scene of the initial murder, PC Blunt, is ready to record every detail of the case, and assist his colleagues in their work. But what is his own past..? Is he as half-witted as he seems?

What about gorgeous, sexy blonde bombshells, Stephanie and Gloria? And louche, limp-wristed Anthony Newhome? And Barble’s son, Oswald? And Barble’s demure, bespectacled secretary, Abigail? And ex-movie star, Janice Butler? Are they all who they say they are or are some of them involved in a deadly game of murder and revenge? How are these murders linked to the unsolved Night-Club Hostess Murders which took place two years earlier?

And, most puzzling of all, what is the meaning of the tattoos on the gorgeous buttocks of the assembled ladies? Thrill to the suspense, the heart-ache, the twists and turns, the laugh-a-minute of this hilarious, baffling mystery.

Get ready to follow the roller-coaster plot, with one surprise after surprise, and scintillating word-play and sparkling dialogue between the marvellous host of characters. Will you be able to work out who did it? A detective/murder mystery like no other…

The Case of the Pinioned Bosoms

After staying in the Swiss Alps for barely two days, Inspector Cullot knows there are going to be two murders committed at his hotel. He also knows there is only one man who can prevent there being even more… That man is Inspector Cullot himself.

So begins another Inspector Cullot Mystery… Cullot, together with his gorgeous, sexy daughter, Stephanie, his faithful side-kick, Detective Sergeant Watkins, and the bumbling, note-taking PC Blunt, put their holiday on hold and set off in pursuit of the killer, in one of the most baffling cases of Cullot’s illustrious career.

Who are the two naked victims pinioned to their beds by knives thrust through their bosoms? Who’s the callous killer who’s carried out such hideous, gruesome murders?

We meet an array of characters: the still stunningly attractive Madame Laporte (whose charms have an immediate effect upon Cullot himself); the suave, ripplingly-muscled Herr Randimann (whose charms Stephanie is currently sampling); the brazen little minx, Veronique, Madame Laporte’s daughter; the Italian ice-cream salesman, Signor Delitto, with a constantly twinkling eye for the ladies; the secretive Herr Geschlecht, and his sour-faced wife; and other characters, with their unexpected entrances and exits.

Which one of them is hiding his (or her) real identity? Who harbors dark secrets from the past, and a burning, uncontrollable desire for revenge? What nefarious deeds have been taking place over recent years at this seemingly respectable hotel?

What are the links between the victims and the guests which Cullot and his squad must unearth? Are there even unsavoury connections between the victims and members of Cullot’s team itself? Who is involved, and who isn’t? Will you be able to spot the killer?

Amidst the sparkling repartee, non-stop thrills and series of startling revelations, will you be able to discard the red herrings and fasten on to the important clues? Will you be completely baffled, like the mentally-challenged PC Blunt, or exhibit the incisive skills and investigative acumen of Cullot himself, maybe the greatest detective the world has ever known? There’s only one way to find out…

The Case of the Disappearing Corpses

Another puzzling, fiendishly complicated mystery for Inspector Cullot and his world-famous Team to solve… Can the Inspector, together with Sergeant Watkins and Cullot’s gorgeous daughter Stephanie, solve the mystery of the corpse that disappeared?

Such a mind-boggling mystery is soon followed by a whole series of disappearing corpses being reported all over London… And, worst of all, is the fourth member of Scotland Yard’s top-notch Team, namely the bumbling, bemused PC Blunt, the actual murderer?

Is the love of Collot’s life, the still stunningly attractive ex-movie star Joan Butler, somehow involved? And what’s the role, if any, of Lord Fotheringay, Stephanie’s latest lover, in the whole affair? Cullot and his elite Murder Squad embark on one of the most baffling cases they have ever met in their pursuit of a horde of suspects, clues and disappearing corpses across London, leading them into direct confrontation with one of the most ruthless gangs the world has ever known, as well as a collection of the sexiest and most jaw-droppingly appealing women imaginable, and the swankiest, most fashionable habitations in the land…until a bloody and violent finale in a luxury country house…

Oh, and of course…as always, the chase is accompanied by the wit and sparkling repartee the world’s greatest detective and subordinates bring to all their cases. And what about Sergeant Watkins’s red-hot love for Stephanie, Cullot’s beautiful and outrageously provocative daughter? Will there be a successful conclusion to his tormented passion?

Read on, if you can take the thrills, the twists, the laughs and the inimitable panache of yet another case in the breath-taking annals of the world’s most famous detective.

The Case of the Torn Yellow Socks

Another nail-biting murder investigation for Inspector Cullot, and his world-famous Murder Squad. As well as Inspector Cullot himself, as suave, debonair and ruthless as ever, we meet again the beautiful, sophisticated Stephanie Gorge, Cullot’s own daughter; Cullot’s faithful sidekick, Sergeant Watkins; and the perpetually baffled PC Blunt…

They are engaged in a race against time to find the murderers of three wealthy men, gruesomely dispatched in three of the poshest apartments in London. Amongst the array of suspects are a collection of gorgeous women, and men, from across Europe. Does the key to unlocking this case turn on the nationality of the victims, and suspects? And what’s the relevance of the colour of the victims’ socks? And what is the role in this affair of Janice Butler, ex-Hollywood movie star, and the love of Inspector Cullot’s life?

Is stunningly beautiful Stephanie, Cullot’s daughter, romantically involved with one of the prime suspects? Greater urgency is given to the squad’s investigations when Stephanie is kidnapped. Unless she is rescued, she runs the risk of being added to the list of gory victims. Is Cullot up against the most relentlessly vicious of his opponents, and possibly the most infamous gang ever known in the annals of the history of crime?

How will he react to his daughter being in mortal danger? How will Sergeant Watkins manage to carry out his duties, tormented as he is by his burning love and desire for Stephanie? How will PC Blunt ever find out what is going on?

A mass of bewildering clues and probably the world’s greatest ever analytical mind come together in the unfolding of one of the Inspector’s most baffling cases, rising to a crescendo of drama, suspense, intrigue and nail-biting tension in one of London’s swankiest and most luxurious districts. Can you home in on the vital clues, disregard the red herrings…and spot the killer…or killers?

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